Saturday, July 9, 2011

Turning the Page

Many factors have recently contributed to my decision to move back to Allentown. I had planned to do this towards the end of summer, however, I find it pointless for a couple of reasons. If I'm applying to jobs that were posted recently, then telling them I'm available in September will not get me that job. Companies that are posting openings now mean that they are hiring now. It's also pointless to try to get another job to hold me over til I move, and Sheetz was not something I enjoyed doing. At all. Did I also mention how impulsive and impatient I am when it comes to having an idea or plan, but not being able to execute it? I felt like if this is what I plan to do then it makes the most sense to just go, and do it now.

I leave for Allentown tomorrow, with the plan of bumming around at friends' houses until I find a stable job, feel it out for a while and then get an apartment. I'm willing to feel displaced for a bit in hopes of finding a better outcome. I could tell you all about why State College didn't work for me, but I feel like in the weight of things Allentown just makes more sense, so I go. It's not that it was bad here, just that Allentown may be better. That's a risk I'm willing to take. I'm scared to death to do it, but I am optimistic about what may happen.

This past week started with me feeling completely gung-ho about everything involving my new life. Where I would work and who I will live with and what will happen when I get to Allentown. It wasn't until July 4th where Tom and I had all day to lounge around and do nothing that it hit me like a brick that I would be leaving behind a lot of good things here. Some of you may know that I've been going through relationship issues.  Tom is a great guy, but not so great for me. I love him very very much and it pains me so much to leave him, even when I know there is someone out there who might be more compatible for me. I live my life completely revolving around love. It's what drives me. So even though we didn't work out so well, he still means so much to me. I decided to write him a thank you for everything he's done for me, and for being an all around good guy. We talked a little bit about it yesterday and I feel sad, but comfortable in turning the page on this part of my life.

Now feeling rushed in leaving I wasn't sure if i should try to jam in some quick goodbyes, or whether I should just go my own way and try to make a clean cut. The easy thing about leaving is I didn't really make too many friends here. I saw JC at the dog park and said my goodbyes. I visited Rachael yesterday and got to hang for a little. I saw my froggy crew one more time on Tuesday. I technically couldn't leave til my last paycheck came in the mail, so with a couple days free in between my last day of work and leaving, I thought, I must go on one more ride with the Janes.

Wednesday seemed perfect and I rsvpd to go - the only obstacle being my own mental deterioration. My whole world has been turned upside down with this move. I'm not emotional, or depressed, just incredibly anxious, nervous, like a panic attack waiting to happen. Anyone who knows where I'm coming from can tell you that it's pretty hard to stick with your regular obligations when you're just waiting to freak out. Feeling out of control is the last thing I want to feel.

I woke up from a good afternoon nap, got in the car and headed to the farm to meet up with the girls. I was on time, nothing wrong, but feeling so uneasy that I kept wanting to turn around at every light. I drove all the way there only to turn around (this has happened before previously in my life, when I get excited/nervous about things). The self-pep talks didn't even help. "C'mon Megan, isn't this what being a Jane is all about? Overcoming your own obstacles, whether they be physical, mental or emotional? We need to walk before we can run." I felt as though maybe I had forced enough smiles lately, or that I was too miserable to be social. Then I realized that maybe I didn't want to go because I didn't want to say goodbye to the Janes.

One of the best things about State College, and the Janes, is that now that I've moved forward with my life I am still able to have a get up and go attitude. I know that it's ok that we fall once in a while. I know that we all have to start somewhere and that we're not the only ones going through it. The Janes have been so wonderful to me, and I didn't think I could find a group of ladies that would be so welcoming. For a little bit of time, I had a home in State College and I'm glad they were a part of it.

Now as I move forward in my journeys I have a couple goals in mind that I wish to share. Being without a bike, and now without some friends to cycle with, I still plan on completing the Coal Cracker Classic in September. I will find a bike somehow, and once I do I will start riding. If anything I know the territory in Allentown so I am excited. Nothing can stop me from competing in that race. I will be sure to visit Tom, as well as the Janes and go riding again in State College. This blog will continue to be about my misadventures, whether they are on a bike or not. Thanks to everyone in State College and in Allentown for helping me figure out this step in a new direction.

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